Who’s Gonna Love Me?

An honest question, right? I asked myself this at a time that I felt I just couldn’t win. I didn’t know then, but sitting in my parent’s living room at the upright piano, I began playing what I was feeling….. tension. Every chord clashed with the notes selected, with a periodic sense of relief, but an overarching sense of despair, knowing that solitude was my trophy but not what was needed.

I think broken trust sparked this desire to protect self. Carrying the burden of sexual abuse, childhood trauma, lost friendships, and bitterness, I learned, way too early, not to trust people. Its weird to be taught to speak up for yourself, but also don’t share your business with others- family included. Maybe that’s where the tension began? Knowing that I’d be in trouble, if I didn’t learn how to not be the “peanut gallery”.

I had always had an interest in theatre; so, I became skilled at wearing masks, and I learned to stow everything away. I built walls with every person, keeping them, at least, at an arm’s length. Being vulnerable was out of the question. I even walked away from a two and a half year relationship because it was easier to not let them in. Truthfully, i didn’t see the need in relying on anyone, when all I had experienced was disappointment.

With my introverted personality, I was cool with it for quite a while because people exhausted me anyway. I had made it to the top of the mountain of independency prepared to rejoice, but my celebration of isolation was met with emptiness. I had to find ways to cope. I fell into a cycle of filling the void with alcohol, one night stands, and any other high that I felt was safe. It was weird that I had spent all this effort to be alone, and I wasn’t happy or my problems solved.

So there I was- wanting to be alone but held; prepared to drown but wanting to be saved; wanting to show zero emotion but cry my eyes out; and wanting to be private but wanting to be known. All of this tension was bottled up inside without a way of escape. It made me feel trapped and unpleasant to myself. I found myself fighting with depression, sadness, and suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, wondering when I’d reach the end.

My hands and subconscious were prepared to make the first step on an upright piano. In a way, I have always looked at music as a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because it was my only avenue to being vulnerable; mainly because I wanted to be great at it, and all the greats always laid their all out when performing. It was a curse because it was an avenue to vulnerability, haha, which was against the rules of solitude mountain. Fortunately, being excellent at my craft was more important to me. What started as an expression of what I felt on the inside, turned into a story of internal conflict. I began writing about real experiences and where I ended up- wanting what I had worked so hard to get rid of.

Myself aside, I hope that this song helps you reflect. If you struggle with letting people in, consider the freedom and joy that comes when you let go. People will still let you down- yourself included, but that is humanity. Every loss is a lesson worth learning. We are not perfect, but we are better together.

It’s taken me years, self-reflection, faith, and therapy just to realize how important community is. I would say I’m still terrible at it, but I get the point. I know the value in having a 2am circle: people that you could call in the middle of the night if something’s wrong, and they answer to be there when you need them. I’m grateful for the people that have put up with my inclination to be alone and taught me how valuable it is to be loved. It’s crazy how your mindset can change over time. I can’t make it without my support circle. So now when that question arises, I know how to answer.